Love - Agony and Ecstasy

There is no person on earth who has never been in love. But love can go beyond all limits and bounds and it can transcend consciousness and our very soul. Love has played a key role in my life elevating me to the peak and droping me into the abyss, experimenting with me in all the possible ways...............

Sona

I was deeply lonely with myself and was equally motivated to share that loneliness as well as to preserve it against ant trespass. I expressed my liking by denuding myself; by laying open my heart and inviting the person I liked to trespass into my inner solitude. Then came a stage when the desire to preserve that inner solitude became very stronger than the desire to share it. It was at such circumstance that I fell in love with Sona. It didn’t last long as she left me with loneliness to rest her soul. When she left, the heaviest blow was to me as I was in pain, misery and travail. Love itself is the cure for the pangs of pain caused by it. Though it yielded a joy that was vast as an ocean, the pangs it caused were deeper far. Having subjected me to this inconsolable grief that had wasted all my acquisitions, my guilty eyes had dried up with no more tears to shed. I conceived that, to suffer in sweetness and in peace without offering any resistance is to suffer in the right way. The dreams were my wonderful companion as they brought me sweet messages from her, though at sometimes horrible.

It was not so bad when I had loved Sona, for then in my adolescence, I had only wanted to give and it was the giving that has been refused. I loved her and didn’t expect her to return my love. I just had to keep trying and I kept proving it to her. Even after her death, whenever I thought of her, I felt myself enter her aura. It was torture to have this feel of her and yet have her no where in this world. Pain caused curious things to me and I realized that pain is the most profound of all human feelings. I tasted the pleasure of pain.

Sumithra

It was easier for me to fall in love because when the image of my first love broke down, it left an empty space in my mind with large charge of feeling, which was urgently looking for a replacement. Driven by the anxiety of this vacuum, I started romanticizing the image of the any lovable, reasonable and passionate woman who came along so that she can fill the niche quickly. I had no need for woman but I needed the feeling of being possessed by them. To me possession meant a longing for permanence, for an unchanging condition. Lack of love brought me infinite pain but it could do me no harm.

It was at this point that I found Sumithra and I realized that life would be impossible unless my new hunger is fed by someone like her. I had never known before how much of me had been dead without love. If I had known I would have loved passionately the first women I had come across. But it would’ve been very superficial and with Sumithra it was very deep and rich. Though she was also highly inaccessible I loved her more than I did myself. I used to wonder if it was for us that kambar – the Tamil poet wrote these lines in Sundara Ghandam,

Blow, wind to where my loved one is,
Touch her, and come and touch me soon;
I’ll feel her gentle touch through you,
And meet her beauty in the moon.
These things are much for one who loves-
A man can live by them alone-
That she and I breath the same air,
And the earth we tread is one.

-Ramayana

We didn't even meet each other and our love had more frustration than fulfillment. Ultimately we had to break considering the impracticality of our happening. Just because it didn't happen, do I have to treat her as a stranger? She's married and settled in ONT, Canada. We are still good friends with ocassional mail exchanges.

Sandy Thomas

The basic cause which made me seek the love of another person was because I was extremely lonely again. I felt this loneliness to be painful and yearned to escape, from it. The sudden release and explosive pouring out of myself in to someone whom I have not even seen was experience with my love with Sandy Thomas. And it was the most beautiful kind of relationship I ever had with a woman. To this day she is a mystery as she brilliantly kept her identify a mystery. She is the most mysterious , indecipherable, inscrutable, most profound, most precious and, at the same time, the most accursed girl I’ ve known and I’m in total darkness about her.

She was deprived of the childhood needs which spoilt her formative years and has driven her to a state of “give-up neurosis”. As for her portrait could depict she was exceedingly beautiful but her beauty was thing of might and dread that shook my life like a tempest. As a highly- organized loving-being I was able to objectify my passions enabling myself to suffer and enjoy most keenly. I was intoxicated by her love. I got transfigured into her and every through was merged in that one ocean of love for her. She was the only perfect flower in the wilderness of my life and the only fixed star in mists of my wandering and my only hope in my despair. I couldn’t predict the weight for measure of my love I had for her. She was my wish and my thought, I breathed her with every draught, I kissed her with every fragrance. Although I was far from her physically, we had one single light. No one knew who was the lover and who the beloved, and we never made any effort to meet which made the relationship a great mystery.

Her wantedness to break her ego boundaries was satisfied by my correspondence with her, and I thought our love will be a permanently enlarging experience. But, our relationship had to collapse due to some misunderstanding. It was my mistake - That's what she said. That was the time for wiser of the two to put and end to the relationship because the one who wishes to prolong it in the hope that it may be restored to its initial intensity, is the one who is going to be hurt and she is wise women. Our occasional mails and her ocassional calls keep us as friends till today.

Pavithra

Pavithra, a girl of low melting who poured into my long prepared mould and she was the only one with whom I progressed up to some kisses. I had a peculiar sense of freedom as her presence always lifted from me a pressure I could not define. Her love encouraged freedom of myself and we shared positive and negative reactions to warm the cold feelings. She was bold, free, ambitious, self-reliant woman and intellect. It was a different kind of love - sexual love, a genetically determined instinctual component of mating behaviour which I confess, is a selfish emotion and I know that in this society any selfish emotion and my intense longing for association, the strong desire on the part of two to become one. As for as I am concerned, it was apparent that love is initially stirred by physical attraction and is born in the eye. It is in the physical that the mental and emotional relationship is built. I wanted to love her ever and ever. I deliberately shut my eyes to the two enemies. Time and change. When I turned indifferent to her love because of the crisis I got into, she was more realistic as if she knew that all things pass.

I never cared about what she had done or what she is or where she is from as long as she loved me. That is the nature of sexual love, and I was blind to her nature. Even my best friends were against my association with her as they thought in term of the usual ethics, tradition and values as if they are the greatest virtue every person should posses. I believed that preaching of chastity is an incitement to public anti-nature. Any kind of scorn for sexual life, any contamination of it with the concept of “uncleanliness”, is the real sin against holy spirit of life. What is the cause of chastity? The presence of the so-called unchaste, impure, street-walking and whoring women is the cause of chastity. I believe the so-called decent women differ only in the aspect that they are less honest than the whores. Woman also has the equal right to expect her man to be equally chaste as she is and so it is better not to have room for moral judgments in life. Life is amoral.

According to me there is nothing immoral or obscence; there are only poorly conceived and poorly executed ones.Ordinarily we think in terms of duality. But there’s no duality in life. There is neither good nor evil in this world, but only being and doing. Zola was right in saying that morality is like a religion; a soporific to close people’s eyes to the tawdriness of their life. It was amusingly surprising to note that in a land of phallus-yoni worshippers people are crazy enough to laud the virtues of virginal chastity. I had to sacrifice her for the sake of society and I’m ashamed of the second-rated life I had lead that could not even spare me of my love. On introspection, I realized that any love couldn’t last longer because of the fact that I expected instant gratification from it but I was not willing to wait for the ultimate fulfillment.

Sujathaa

Every love affair must reach a point where it will attain marriages, and be changed, or decline, or wither. When ever I was in an excited state I was more prone to fall in love than when I was calm and placid. There was always a sudden discontinuous jump from one love to the next and between these two loves, there was a gap, a void, something like life – lifelessness – life. If it was the will of existence to molest me with beauty of passion, how can I help trying to impose any boundary? No. It did not lie in my power to love or hate, for the will is always over–ruled by fate. Now that, I have gained significant experience not only in love, but also in life. I almost had die in order to be born again - I got resurrected. However, a life time without love is of no account as love is the water of life. Drink it down with heart and soil as it is the highest form of expression of the phenomenon of God. After a loveless life of 2 years, I met Sujathaa and we were instaltly in love and didn't take much of a time to realize that all these years of love was just a projection of a longingness to find each other. After 2 more years of being in love, we consolidated it by marriage.